Thirteen Percenter’s

When I got up this morning, everyone was already gone for the day. That is an unusual thing because I’m usually up well before the boys leave for school. I slept until after 9:00 AM and am having a hard time getting out of the grogginess of my dreams. It was strange to awaken and find no one home but the dogs, which were, by the way, carrying on and on because they were left outside. That is way off their routine and when I sat up in bed, they were staring at me through the window. I think we were all wondering what in the hell was wrong with each of us.

Thirteen Percenter’s; that’s what.

I had this dream (my mom just laughs when I say this, btw) about flooding, working, retail merchandising, home improvements, and Christians. Here’s how it all went together:

I was driving in Virginia (something I’ve never done but had read about floods from the Nor’easter on Google News last night) and it was raining and beginning to flood. I was in a rental car because I was visiting S who was visiting her mom who does, in fact, live in Virginia. I was on my way to pick her up to take us both to the airport when floods prevented me from going any farther. I stopped at a strip mall and went into a big home improvement store. Everyone was bustling around trying to keep the waters from coming in through the doors when suddenly, the roof caved in. I organized everyone (always the manager, even in my dreams) and took them to the highest area of the store: the manager’s office.

While there, I got to talking to the district manager and he was impressed with how I handled the situation. We passed the time by talking about my résumé and I suddenly found myself being recruited by this guy. He talked about company growth and said there would be a new store opening in ABQ soon and that training would take place in their Phoenix store.

The flooding stopped, S met me at the airport, and she flew home while I flew to Phoenix for a job interview. I had to take a bus to the store (There weren’t any rental cars available. Those people at Hertz were very rude!) In addition, by the time I got there, it was flooding again. In dry-old-Phoenix it was flooding. Go figure.

Once again, I organized everyone into the building. I marveled at the merchandising, cleanliness of the store, and friendliness of the employees. The floors were highly polished, white marble; all of the shelves were white, the ceiling was white, and the walls were white. The colors of the merchandise popped off the shelves in a cavalcaded rainbow. It was a stunning, almost glowing, merchandise presentation against all of that white.

One of my previous DM’s from B&N was the DM for this store; this was the same woman that I threatened that bookseller with the other day. Her name is Julie and she and I sat in a room high above the flooding and reminisced about working for B&N. Everyone was so very, very nice and cheery despite the fact that swirling floodwaters were whooshing in and out of the store like a tsunami tide. Whole patio sets were floating away; a futon crashed into a display of glass vases; blue, green and clear marbles spilled out of their bags into the swirling tide making the same sounds as rocks gnashing together in an undertow.

Just then, the roof caved-in, the skies cleared, and the sun shone in. All the while, we sat there discussing my résumé and how great it was that I was going to be working for this company. All of the employees stood in the sunshine, looked up, opened their arms wide and stood there looking like they were waiting to be transported through the hole in the ceiling.

Julie then began explaining to me that 13% of all sales went into the Thirteen Percent Club. I was aware that the look on my face was one of confusion and concern. Julie looked at me and opened her arms to the heavens and then… hugged me. I was then swarmed by almost all of the cheery, now Stepford-like employees. They all started explaining what being a Thirteen Percenter meant to them and how they’d all given up 13% of their paycheck, in the name of Our Lord Jesus: God. They all exclaimed that they’d never been happier in their lives and that it was a privilege to be chosen to become a Thirteen Percenter.

I felt very suspicious and confused. They were all Christians and I knew I suddenly had something to hide. I had taken a job with the Thirteen Percenter’s and I would have to assimilate or die. I thought of S, the kids, and my life… it all flashed before my dreaming eyes… and I knew I was stuck. I had no rental car, could not find my purse, and wet clothing. I couldn’t get out of there if I tried. I had to be nice until I could execute my escape. They all clapped me on the back and welcomed me into the fold. My former DM then asked me to sign the paperwork to clear the way for my becoming a Thirteen Percenter.

It was like Retail Hell, or Heaven, depending on which percentage you went with. I’ve always been more of a one in ten, or Ten Percenter, in my life. This was all very, very strange.

Then I heard Mojo barking and barking and I woke-up. I sat straight up in bed and thought, “Thirteen Percenter’s” and shook my head, looked to my right, and saw the dogs staring at me, pleading to be let into the house. I haven’t been able to shake that term all morning.

Where do these things come from and why are they in MY dreams? I do think, however, that I will use this term to coin a phrase; Thirteen Percenter’s will now represent the assimilation process of joining the folds of a new organization. I’m pretty sure that number is fairly close to the percent of people within any organization who give a shit, fanatically or not, about anything going on in their world. Maybe that’s a little high (or maybe I am) but it seems to me that getting a new career/job can be fairly close to joining a new religion. Becoming politically active is fairly close to the same as joining a new religion. Moving into a new community is fairly close to joining a new religion. Being in a new relationship is fairly close… and so on and so forth.

Everything is new and kind of scary and outside of our comfort zones in these situations. I’ve been outside of my comfort zone for over a year now. And… I am just about to embark on a whole new experience with my career aspirations. Exhilarating but scary to the unknownth power.

I don’t think of myself as religious; I’m more of a spiritual kind of gal and work from my own beliefs versus the regurgitated spawning of “shoulda, woulda, coulda” and going to hell if I don’t do this or do that. I definitely paddle my own boat which makes this dream and the fears produced within it even more interesting. In my mind, anyway, I don’t want to have to assimilate or die within any organization. I’m the hit and run problem solver of the group and always try to stay within my individual thoughts/processes.

Maybe this was a warning or an awakening to the directions I’ve been seeking. Who knows? I have nothing against Christians (as long as they don’t have anything against me) and definitely aspire to a live and let live process. This whole dream-thing was very overt but the process of becoming part of something that is new to us is much more subtle.

Thirteen Percenter’s; an idea whose time has come as a warning of:
To Thine Own Self Be True.

Helluva way to wake up.

Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay’d for.
There … my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion’d thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch’d, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear’t that th’ opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!