"How to Make Love Like a Porn Star"

Ah! I bet that got your attention! Here’s a redux from a post in another blog:

I used to work in a bookstore. Yes, a bookstore; the very bastion of anti-censorship mentalities and perversions. I say perversions because you just would not believe the things people would complain about and insist that you remove from the sales floor. And you probably have no idea how many adults have actually pooped on the floor of a bookstore. Yeah, you read that right. It’s true and I’ll save those stories for a poopy day.

I remember having (what felt like) a Roseanne Roseanna Danna conversation with a woman who was complaining that we absolutely, positively, should not have the book “Walter, The Farting Dog” on our bookshelves. ESPECIALLY in the children’s department. When I asked her why (tsk…sucker…I shouldn’t have done that) she said that it promoted bad language. Bad language? Oh, lady… you have absolutely no clue about kids these days.

Of course, I didn’t say that as she was quite upset and really just needed to vent. I suspected this ranting had nothing to do with the book because it seemed so… so… unreasonable and clueless. I let her rant at me for several more minutes about the loss of morals and values that are taught to our children these days until finally, she took a breath, and I could jump into the conversation.

I held the book up and asked her if she’d ever read it. She hadn’t; the title offended her. I suggested we read through the book together because, a) it’s a very short book and b) the story just might surprise her. She agreed so, there I stood, in the middle of the children’s’ department, reading “Walter, The Farting Dog” to a middle-aged woman.

After about the third page, a small group of kids gathered at my feet. I smiled at them and began reading and showing the pictures to our new little fans. The woman put her hands on her hips but, amazingly, kept her mouth shut.

Now that I had an audience of more than one, I read with enthusiasm. I even interjected my thoughts with, “Oh, poor, poor Walter!” The kids were “Ew” ing and “Gross” ing along with the story. One little girl said she was sad for Walter. Well, of course, the story ends happily (And that’s all I’m gonna say about that! Buy the book!) and all the little ones cheered for Walter.

You know, an opportunity like this one just does not come along very often. The woman looked at me, shook her head, and laughed. “I just didn’t know what it was about. All I saw was the word “fart” and I just cannot believe what people write for children these days. But I can see it’s a good Christian book.” I didn’t address the “Christian” part of her comment but I did say, “Well, we all do it, you know.” And then I smiled at her and turned to help another customer.

I was only gone for a moment but when I returned, she had vanished. So, there I was, stuck in the children’s’ department with at least four people needing help and at least six kids wanting another story. I was there for at least another hour.

It’s just too bad that more people aren’t willing to open their eyes… and learn… or simply agree to disagree instead of trying to push their thoughts, opinions, religious beliefs, upon others.

As the manager of a bookstore, it was my obligation and responsibility to ensure that my staff was not pushing their beliefs on anyone and that they maintained a censor-free environment. It was also my responsibility to be sensitive to my community. I would never put up a display of gay and lesbian erotica on an endcap near the children’s department. I put it where it belonged; on the first table of the store. (Hahahahaha! Just kidding! The display went where it was most appropriate.) Granted, children or people offended by these displays could be anywhere in the store. Adults may choose to disregard the display and the PARENTS of the children may choose to keep their children away from things that they feel are inappropriate. This is most reasonable. That is choice and accountability for one’s own actions.

Unfortunately, some people are not reasonable, accountable, nor able to understand the nature of our liberties, here in this great nation. I do applaud Roseanne Roseanna Danna for taking the time to let me know how she felt and then FOLLOWING THROUGH by allowing me to tell her about the item. If it had been a book like, hmm… let’s say (I’m just gonna list some banned or controversial books here.): Annie Hooper’s sex guides, or “To Kill a Mockingbird” (one of my all-time favorite books), or “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star”, or “Shadow War: The Untold Story of How Bush is Winning The War on Terror” (a completely obscene book!), or “Everyone Poops” (and we do!), or the Bible,(which, by the way, is one of the most controversial and stolen books of all time) then I would have given her my little censorship speech and reminded her of her choices. I did this more boisterously with some versus others.

I actually got hit in the head (so hard it broke the binding and caused blood to gush down my forehead) by a pornography-baiting, self-professed Christian who told me I was going to hell for selling Annie Leibovitz’ books. If she had only known that Jock Sturges’ books were up on the top shelf, completely out of alphabetical order (on purpose.) I have no I idea why she was picking on Ms. Leibovitz; I think she’s a fantastic photographer. (See? I definitely have opinions; you don‘t want to hear what I have to say about Jock Sturges… ew!)

A bookstore is not a place for a debate (or assault, I might add) between purveyor of books and customers. I didn’t debate that woman; I showed her what the book was about, word for word, and let her decide. Everyone has an opinion, bias, prejudice, intolerance… about something.

I also believe an open forum blog can represent the same thing. I’ve had all kinds of comments/emails telling me what a jerk I am for writing about this or that. If I didn’t like the tone of what they had to say, I deleted them. It’s my blog and it’s my prerogative. Is it censorship? Yep, and that’s just tough. I’m not going to start a word war with someone who is obviously not equipped with the proper tools. There’s enough negativity and freaky stuff in the blogosphere (don’t EVEN get me started on MySpace and how I feel about our kids getting online… yikes!) that I don’t feel compelled to engage in it. However, if the disagreement is interesting, intellectual, and not full of expletives, I will definitely read it and leave it. I’m open to conversation and even a good debate as long as no one gets their eye poked out.

As for the other numb-nuts, well, I can just ignore them, delete them, or engage with them. That is my CHOICE. It is also my choice to decide how far I will go in my thought processes here. I am here for my own entertainment.

If’n ya’ll wanna come along for the ride… cool! If not, see ya in the funny papers.

Now I need to wash my soapbox. Thanks so much for attending this seminar. Pamphlets will be handed out with some lovely green Kool-Aid after this brief intermission.